Navigating Relationship Buyer's Remorse: A Guide to Survival and Growth

At some point, all couples reach the buyer's remorse phase of the relationship. At this point, one or both start to wonder or question. They may think things like 'This is not what I signed up for' or 'Why should this be so hard.' They have probably bumped up against issues and problems and been unwilling or unable to resolve them. They have probably been hurt and may have developed patterns of reacting to each other that make things worse rather than better. Many couples get stuck in negative patterns of arguing and fighting or withdrawing and withholding. For things to improve, they need to break these patterns. They need to choose to do something different.

An exciting finding from marriage research is that many people who reported being unhappy in their marriage but chose to stay together later report being very happy in that same marriage. It may pay to be patient and to see the buyer's remorse phase as a signal to choose to grow and develop as a person and as a couple.

Understanding Relationship Buyer's Remorse

Questioning Expectations: Partners may begin to question whether the relationship aligns with their initial expectations and desires.

Difficulty Dealing with Challenges: For some couples, bumps in the road, unresolved issues, and hurtful experiences contribute to the overall discomfort.

Negative Interaction Patterns: Couples might find themselves trapped in negative patterns of arguing, fighting, withdrawing, or withholding, making resolution seem elusive.

Strategies for Breaking the Pattern

Pause Relationship Discussions

• Acknowledging Limitations: Couples in the buyer's remorse phase often struggle to discuss their relationship without escalating into fights and conflict.

• Temporary Pause: While ignoring problems isn't a solution, taking a temporary break from discussing the relationship can prevent further damage.

Infuse Positive Energy

• Smile and Compliment: Small gestures like smiling and complimenting each other can inject positivity into daily interactions.

• Gratitude Practice: Actively seek reasons to feel grateful for your partner and express appreciation.

• Foster a Pretense of Affection: Sometimes, acting as if you like each other can lay the foundation for genuine warmth.

Seek Helpful Guidance

• Avoid Venting Negativity: Refrain from venting relationship frustrations to friends and family, especially if it turns into partner bashing.

• Look for Supportive Help: Seek out guidance that supports and validates while encouraging reflection on personal contributions to the relationship issues.

• Trustworthy Conversations: Talk to someone you trust, ensuring they won't blame you or your partner solely but offer constructive insights.

Initiate Constructive Conversations

• Reintroduce Communication: Once positive energy is restored, create dedicated time to talk through issues without falling into negative patterns.

• Involve Neutral Third Party: Consider the presence of a neutral third party, such as a counselor, mediator, or ecclesiastical leader, to facilitate constructive conversations.

• Practice Active Listening: Focus on listening twice as much as you talk, validating and acknowledging your partner's perspective before expressing your own.

Healing and Growth

• Interrupt Negative Patterns: As you consciously interrupt negative reaction patterns, shift focus toward the positive aspects of your relationship.

• Express Gratitude: Regularly feel and express gratitude for the positive elements in your partnership.

• Active Listening: Cultivate active listening skills, ensuring that both partners feel heard and understood.

• Be Gentle and Patient: Grant yourselves time for healing and growth, approaching the process with gentleness and patience.

Recognizing When It's Time to Exit

• In Cases of Abuse: The advice above does not apply in cases of abuse.

• Prioritize Safety: If danger is present in the relationship, prioritize safety by contacting the authorities or seeking refuge in shelters.https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/getting-out-of-an-abusive-relationship.htm#:~:text=Contact%20a%20domestic%20violence%20or,as%20your%20partner%20will%20allow.

• Seek Professional Help: In situations involving abuse, seek professional help and guidance to navigate the complexities of leaving an abusive relationship.

Surviving buyer's remorse in a relationship requires a delicate balance of self-reflection, positive actions, and effective communication. By implementing these strategies, couples can transform this challenging phase into an opportunity for growth and a stronger, more resilient partnership. Remember, each relationship is unique, and the journey toward lasting happiness involves patience, understanding, and a commitment to mutual well-being.

What I Have Learned in 40 Years of Marriage

We celebrated our 40th wedding anniversary in the summer of 2016. We were married at 18 and 20 years of age, so we had a lot of growing up to do. Not that we were aware of that at the time. Over the years we have had our share of struggles, but we have also found ways to keep falling in love over and over again.

I want to share a few of the things that I have learned about creating a lasting marriage.

Marriage creates a people growing crucible.

A crucible in this sense could be defined as a situation of severe trial in which different elements interact leading to the creation of something new. If we work at it, what we can create is a mature love. Or, as we grow up together, our relationship improves.

Prioritize the couple relationship.

Children are very important, but should not be more important than our partner. The greatest gift that we could give our children is parents who love and respect each other and who work together as a team. There is so much security for children in a family where parents have a healthy relationship.

Be generous, especially when we least feel like being generous.

The reality is that loving feelings follow loving thoughts and actions. If we want to stay in love, we need to keep acting in love. Love is a verb, not a feeling.

Make use of forgiveness.

This means taking responsibility for our own choices and behavior, not throwing blame at each other. If we confess our own sins, rather than our partner’s sins things will go better. Apologize quickly. Forgive when needed, and it is always needed, even if it is just to regain our peace of mind. Remember forgiveness does not mean that what happened is okay; it means that we let go of the resentment.

Be careful with anger.

When we think we are justified in our anger—we need to pause and think again. Anger is just a feeling and we need to pay attention to it, figure out where the anger is coming from and what our anger is trying to tell us. However, it is never okay to unload a dump truck full of venom and frustration on our partner. We must get a hold of our self first so that we can respectfully tell our partner how we are feeling.

Set healthy boundaries.

We teach our partner how to treat us, by what we put up with or what we accept. Being calm and firm when setting boundaries helps create boundaries that stick. When we have healthy boundaries, we focus on controlling what we can control—ourselves. And we respect that our partner has their own thoughts, feelings, opinions and behaviors. We are willing to respect each other’s differences, even when we don’t like the differences. Healthy boundaries include couple boundaries and we need to have each other’s back when it comes to extended family and friends.

Create relationship enhancing habits.

Most of what we do in life, we do by habit. By choosing relationship enhancing habits we strengthen our relationship. Some relationship enhancing habit are to talk and share; to touch and show affection; to plan and dream together; to work together; to play together; to SMILE and to express gratitude.

In relationships, the little things are the big things.

It is the little everyday choices that we make. How we greet each other. How we speak to each other. Moment by moment we make choices that either nurture or erode our relationship.

I am grateful for the last 40 years that we have had together and I am looking forward to the next 40.

Marriage Preparation Great Place To Start

Marriage preparation is a great place to start. It can help couples identify and improve their strengths. It can help them get clear about their expectations around marriage. They may become aware of red flags or possible deal breakers. It can help them identify changes that could give them a greater chance of success. They will learn and practice communication and conflict resolution skills, increase their emotional maturity and discover ways to develop more emotional and sexual intimacy. 

Research indicates that marriage preparation is effective in helping couples increase marital satisfactions. Couples report improved communication, greater focus on the positive aspects of their relationship, improved conflict management, higher dedication to their partner and overall improved relationship quality. These benefits seem to last for between 6 months to 3 years after the marriage preparation program is completed. Spending a few hours on marriage preparation before marriage will not guarantee your happily ever after; hence the need for ongoing learning and practice. 

Marriage is more like a marathon than a sprint. Just to finish the race is a huge accomplishment. It is unlikely that someone would run a marathon without learning some important skills and then continuing to train and practice. 

A marathon is an individual rather than a team sport, but so much of creating a successful marriage is dependent on developing individual skills and abilities. Marriage Preparation could be considered the initial training program; it helps you learn the skills that will help you make your marriage stronger. And what really determines whether you are prepared to make it to the end of the race will be whether you put that training program into action in your day-to-day life. 

Practice; practice; practice. Marriage preparation helps you to learn communication and conflict resolution skills, as well as skills for connecting with each other. However, unless you use the skills learned through Marriage Preparation in your daily interactions with each other the impact on your relationship will be short lived. 

Working together on marriage preparation is both fun and informative. Couples learn much about themselves and their partners. They often experience moments that make them think and or laugh. Discussion of topics like household chores, in-laws, finances and intimacy helps them get clear on their expectations. It also helps couples discover where their values may be mismatched before they get married. Sometimes they become aware of possible deal breakers that need to be addressed before moving forward. 

Marriage preparation helps each of you to assess your personal readiness for marriage. It will improve your chances of creating a lasting, satisfying marriage. Marriage preparation education is an excellent beginning and with consistent efforts to learn and apply relationship enhancing skills you will make it through the inevitable challenges marriage brings. 

Shame--Why We Push Those Who Love Us Away

“There’s one sad truth in life I’ve found
While journeying east and west –
The only folks we really wound
Are those we love the best.
We flatter those we scarcely know,
We please the fleeting guest,
And deal full many a thoughtless blow,
To those who love us best.”

— Unknown

There is unfortunately too much true in this little rhyme. My observations, both of myself and my clients, have led me to conclude that we are not great at negotiating to have our needs met. We also have these insecurities that seem to get triggered more easily by those we love. Once our insecurities are triggered our behavior can become less than stellar.

Why do we respond the way we do? Our behavior does little to help us get our needs met. We get sucked into the drama, rather than finding solutions. The answer is that we do what we do because it takes incredible courage to choose to be vulnerable rather than defensive. And our default position is to protect ourselves.

None of us make it out of childhood without some emotional scars. We all, in varying ways, have self-doubts and insecurities. We all have trigger points or buttons that can get pushed. And the fascinating thing is that we seem to pick a partner who is an expert at pushing our buttons and bringing out our defensiveness.

In Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead, Brene Brown states, “When I talk to couples, I can see how shame creates one of the dynamics most lethal to a relationship. Women, who feel shame when they don’t feel heard or validated, often resort to pushing and provoking with criticism (“Why don’t you ever do enough?” or “You never get it right.”) Men, in turn, who feel shame when they feel criticized for being inadequate, either shut down (leading women to poke and provoke more) or come back with anger.”

This shame and fear that we are somehow defective or inadequate can lead us to respond in unhealthy ways to each other. It also makes it difficult for us to feel the love when our partner is offering it.

It is helpful to consider what was it that you needed most as a child and were not able to get from your parents? Was it attention, space to be you, to feel loved, accepted, wanted, or needed? Whatever that unmet need was, chances are incredibly good that you are still looking for your partner to fill that need today. The problem is that although you want them to help you feel wanted, loved, or beautiful; at the same time you are brushing aside or rejecting their attempts to do so. All the time probably blaming them because you continue to feel unloved, stupid or not enough.

Choosing to be defensive and go to blame and shame leads to disconnection. Choosing to be open and venerable can lead to increased connection. We can make small choices each day to help us to pull together rather than apart. It helps to understand that there has always been a good intention behind our pushing away behavior—that of protecting ourselves. Recognizing that our defensiveness probably has it’s root in unmet childhood needs can help us become better at meeting those needs ourselves and allowing our partner to help us.

Once we become aware that we are allowing shame to control us and we are choosing the defensive response; we can start to consciously make a new choice. We can greatly improve our ability to self-sooth. We can hang on to ourselves when we feel like being suspicious and distrustful when our partner is kind or generous to us. We can hang on even tighter when we feel the urge to be critical of our partner. We can choose to bring their compliments inside of us and breathe deep while we enjoy those warm feelings. We can choose to stop pushing away those who love us.