Making A Good Marriage Great

Whether you are just beginning your relationship or you have had many years together, you can benefit from implementing the following suggestions on making a good marriage great. Marriage is like a living entity and it is either nurtured and growing or it is neglected and crumbling. Hopefully, like mutual funds, over time the trend will be upward. Unfortunately in marriage you do not get to coast for long. The good news is that making your marriage great is simple, not to be confused with easy.

• Be more concerned about we than me. Selfishness is a relationship killer. Taking your partner's thoughts and feelings into consideration at all times helps you make choices that benefit both of you.
• Be realistic about expectations. Romance novels are not a good source for relationship templates. What expectation are realistic for your relationship, is something the two of you need to agree upon. Your relationship is unique and needs to work for both of you.
• Reduce stress. Finding ways to reduce work and other stress can improve your marriage; a happy marriage also makes the rest of your life easier as well.
• Reminisce. Spend time now and then talking about how we met, started dating, fell in love. Don't worry if your story is not overly dramatic or romantic. Enjoy the fact that it is your story.
• Live now. Don't get stuck ruminating about your wedding day, good or bad, focus on making your life together. Be present now, enjoy each day you have together and plan for your future.
• Pay attention to the little things. Daily acts of kindness and consideration are the live-blood of any extraordinary relationship.
• Solve the solvable problems. Address the minor issues, so they don't build up.
• Keep or find your sense of humor. There is a quote that says, “Parenting without a sense of humor, is like being an accountant who sucks at math.” This applies doubly to marriage.
• Focus on the positive. Enough said.
• Be the change you want in your relationship. Take ownership of your contributions to problems and control what you can control, your words and behavior.
• Be empathetic. Be willing to see things from your partner's point of view.
• Make time for each other NOW. Consistency is the key, no matter what else is going on in your life, make time for each other. There may be occasions when it may not be a lot of time, but when making time for each other is your habit, you will know that you can count on each other.

Want To Be A Hit On Valentines Day?

Has Valentine's Day in the past been less than spectacular? Are you getting the cold shoulder, rather than the warm reception that you would like? Do you wonder what you could do to increase the chances that Valentine's Day will be a romantic celebration of your love, rather than a reminder of the distance between you? Consistency is the key.

If you want those special days to be wonderful then you need to put your relationship where it belongs, at the top of the priority list. If you ignore your relationship except for special occasions, you will most likely find those special efforts falling flat. It is the little things done on a consistent basis that bond two people together. When partners are feeling connected and close, the special days become times to treasure, rather than times to endure or avoid.

Remember, it is the little things done consistently that will help to add the sizzle to the day. Consistency can make the difference between the sizzle and the cold shoulder.

Start now preparing for next years Valentine's Day. The following are some suggestions that may help to make next years Valentine's the best one ever:

• Hugs every day, morning and night.
• Listen, listen, listen. Avoid defensiveness and blame.
• Be respectful and kind.
• Help around the house.
• Do something everyday to demonstrate your love for your partner.
• Continue courting.
• Go on a date once a week.
• Say “I love you”often.
• Show your partner that you love them more often.
• Learn what you can do to make your partner smile, laugh and feel loved. Then do it.
• Make your relationship a top priority.
• Smile.
• Make spending time with your partner a priority.
• Create happy memories to treasure.
• Reminisce together about your fun times.

Avoid thinking the grass may be greener on the other side of the fence and start watering your own grass.

Three A's For A Happier Relationship

Expressing appreciation, admiration and affection consistently will increase your individual as well as relationship happiness. These habits will infuse your relationship with positive energy and help to fortify it against the frustrations and problems that any relationship encounters.

Aim for at least four 6 second hugs a day. Men, remember that hug does not equal groping. A six second hug is long enough for you both to relax into the hug and open yourselves up to a feeling of connection. Find ways to remind your partner of your love. Say, text or email, “I love you,” frequently. Little kindnesses can go a long way toward helping your partner feel cared for and cared about. Human beings die, at least on the inside, without loving touch. Find ways to reach out to your partner and express affection.

Everyday without fail, let your partner know that you admire and respect them. Point out their strengths in positive ways. Let them know that you are impressed by their talents and abilities. Make a habit of talking positively about your partner when s/he is not around. Avoid, like you would the plague, the temptation to gripe and complain about your partner to others. The more you focus on, talk about and point out your partner faults; the more reasons you will find to complain. Instead put your focus on what you like and admire about your partner. You will begin to create an upward, rather than a downward spiral in your relationship.

Practice saying thank you. Gratitude feels wonderful on the giving and receiving end. Showing your appreciation for what your partner does helps to keep you from falling into the relationship destroying habit of taking each other for granted. It is far too easy to fall into expecting and maybe even demanding the things that we used to appreciate. Choose each day to find ways to feel appreciation for something that your partner has done.

Evaluating Expecations

If you were expecting your partner to get home at 12:00 midnight and they got home at 10:00 pm you may be pleasantly surprised. If however you were expecting them home at 4:00 pm and they got home at 10:00 pm you may be furious, especially if they had not let you know that they would be late. They would have arrived home at the same time in both instances, what is different is your expectations. At times our expectations can cause us a lot of unnecessary distress. Expectations, especially if they are unrealistic, will lead to frustration and disappointment.

If frustration and disappointment are feelings that you are frequently experiencing in your relationship, then it may be helpful to take a look at your expectations. A good place to begin is to actually get your expectations out into the open. Often we have hidden expectations of each other. Things that we expect our partner to know and do, just because that is the way it should be. At times it can be as simple as, we are not getting what we want and need because our partner is unaware of that want or need. It is important to clearly communicate your expectations to your partner. You can only do this when you are clear on what your expectations are.

Before you communicate your expectations to your partner try writing them out and asking yourself, “How realistic are these expectations?” “Do I expect the same kind of behavior from myself?” “Might there be another way to look at this?” “How can I make my expectations more realistic and at the same time remain true to myself?”

You will want to remain firm when it comes to expectations arising from your values and principles. For example it is always reasonable to expect to be treated respectfully in your relationship. It is also reasonable to expect your partner to be honest and open with you. However when it comes to expectations based on preference it is important to be flexible. Which route to take to get from a to b, where you go to eat, what entertainment or activities are all examples of expectation, which if they are causing frustration and disappointment, may need to be adjusted or better communicated to your partner. Remember that, if you have trouble agreeing, you always have the option of taking turns when it comes to decisions based on preference.

Susan Page said, “The expectation that you can have everything you want in your marriage will always be frustrated. If you can accept your spouse, be grateful for what you have, and be gracious about the things you don't get from your spouse, you are more likely to thrive as a couple.”

Step-by-Step Decision-Making

If you have a plan for how to handle major decisions it may save you a lot of time and anxiety, waffling back and forth unsure of how to proceed. The following guidelines can help you find clarity and avoid conflict: Define the problem or conflict. Write down a question or a statement that accurately represents what you need to decide.

Brainstorm for possible solution. Write down everything. At this point make no judgments about the rightness, wrongness or do-ability of any suggestions. Be creative and bold with your suggestions. Write down all you can think of and then take a short break and add two or three more.

Share your feelings. One at a time, share your feelings about the problem. Remember that feelings are not wrong or right, they just are. Just listen to each other and do your best to hear and understand what your partner is sharing until you both feel heard and understood.

Evaluate possible solutions. Separately evaluate the pros and cons for each of the possible solutions and then share your evaluation with your partner. This process helps to clarify your thoughts and helps you to better understand your partner's perspective.

Wait. If at all possible, allow at least a day before making the final decision. This allows for some space to see how the solutions “sit” with you before committing yourself to a final decision.

Discuss and decide. Each describe what you want to happen and share any concerns you may still have. If you both have chosen the same solution, great. If you have not both chosen the same solution, then discuss possible compromises until you come up with a solution that works for both of you. You can repeat any of the above steps if needed.

Commit.Once you have reach an agreement it is important that you both commit to the solution. Smile and proceed with full effort and work as a team to make the best possible resolution.

Finding Peace

Peace in our relationships begins with us. We can have peace even in the most trying times. We will fail to find peace when we try to achieve it by arranging people or things outside of ourselves. When we have peace and calm in our hearts, when we are at peace with ourselves then we will have the reserves we need to make peace in our relationships. Peace is an inside job.

“There was once a king who offered a prize to the artist who would paint the best picture of peace. Many artists tried. The king looked at all the pictures. But there were only two he really liked, and he had to choose between them.

One picture was of a calm lake. The lake was perfect mirror for peaceful towering mountains all around it. Overhead was a blue sky with fluffy white clouds. All who saw this picture thought that it was a perfect picture of peace.

The other picture had mountains, too. But, these were rugged and bare. Above was an angry sky, from which rain fell and in which lightning played. Down the side of the mountain tumbled a foaming waterfall. This did not look peaceful at all. But, when the king looked closely, he saw behind the waterfall a tiny bush growing in a crack in the rock. In the bush a mother bird had built her nest. There, in the midst of the rush of angry water, sat the mother bird on her nest - - in perfect peace.

Which picture do you think won the prize? The king chose the second one. “because” said the king, “Peace does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble, or hard work. Peace means to be in the midst of all those things and still be calm in you heart.””

Stress Challenges Relationships

Stress narrows our focus of attention often to the exclusion of our partner. If one or both of you are stressed, anxious or completely preoccupied with worries about work or home, you are not able to give caring attention to each other. You may be physically present, but you are not mentally or emotionally present with your partner. Excess stress can make it difficult to focus on simple daily activities, let alone be passionately involved in lovemaking. Sometimes couples are unaware that it is the stress that is creating the feeling of distance between them, and they make things worse by reacting to feeling ignored or left out. They may end up blaming each other and pulling further apart.

Taking a step back can help us gain some perspective and recognize that it is difficult for anyone to feel close when stress levels are high. Recognizing that it is the stress, rather than our partner that is causing the distance in the relationship can help us be more understanding.

When you find yourself clashing with your partner or feeling particularly testy, stop and take an accounting of your stress level and your partner's stress level. What else is going on in your life that may be contributing to your unhappy feelings? Often relationships will struggle when one partner goes back to school or gets a new job or there are financial difficulties. Recognizing that the problem is the increased stress and not the two of you can help you weather the inevitable storms of life. You can learn to be supportive of each other, rather than reactive. When your partner takes something out on you because they are stressed, you will be less likely to take it personally, but will recognize it for what it is—the stress talking.

If your life is full of chronic stress, it may be worth examining your beliefs and attitudes. Do you believe that you deserve a happy relationship and that this is possible for you? Do you want to enjoy your relationship and your life? This may seem like a silly question, however, if you answered yes, then ask yourself, “What am I doing to make this happen?”

Find ways to slow down, step back, and take a time out from the stress in your life.

Improve Your Self-Disclosure Skills

Self-disclosure is a necessary part of getting close to another person. Unless you are willing to share who you are with your partner, you will never be truly intimate with them. In order to be able to open yourself completely to your partner, you need to be able to trust that they will honor and respect you and your secrets. Fear of rejection or punishment can stop partners from sharing and may even create an environment that encourages lying. It is interesting to note that we may inadvertently teach our partner to lie to us by punishing them when they are honest with us. The benefits of self-disclosure are many. Couples who share their thoughts, feelings, experiences, memories, as well as hopes and dreams tend to stay together longer. People who self-disclose, or are open and sharing in appropriate ways, are healthier and less susceptible to illness. Self-disclosure also helps us to learn about ourselves (did I just say that out loud) and to see ourselves more clearly. When your partner graciously accepts what you share you will feel more inclined to share. Self-disclosure helps us gain self-acceptance and makes for closer relationships.

Distancing occurs when couples stop sharing. If a long enough period of time passes without self-disclosure, couples will begin to feel like roommate or strangers.

Self-disclosure may not always be a positive. Ask yourself before sharing something with your partner: What is my motivation for sharing this information? Some positive motives for self-disclosure are wanting to share, express yourself or help your partner understand you. Some negative motives for self-disclosure include wanting to produce guilt or shame, trying to hurt or control your partner.

Self-disclosure is reciprocal. If one of you is sharing and the other is not, an imbalance is created in the relationship. Successful relationship have a give and take; a balance of sharing and receiving. The message your partner is getting, if you are withholding the personal part of yourself, is that you do not trust him/her.

It is important to note that self-disclosure should be a voluntary process. Do not allow your partner to push you into disclosing something that you do not want to disclose. Be assertive and change topics.

To improve your self-disclosure skills try doing the following: 1. Own your opinions. Speak for yourself. Offer your own thoughts, feelings and opinions. 2. Use sense statements. Sense statements describe what we see, hear, touch, taste and smell. 3. Use interpretive statements. Describe what you are thinking, believing and assuming. 4. Use feeling statements. Describe what you are feeling. 5. Use invention statements. Describe your wants, wishes and desires. 6. Use action statements. Describe what you do and how you behave.

Just as any other skill, your ability to self-disclose will improve by doing. Practice sharing with your partner and the sharing will become easier.

Power of Positive Expectations and Love

Amazing things can happen in your relationship and in your life when you treat others with positive expectations and love. Positive expectations encourage people to live up to their potential. Negative expectations discourage and deflate people. Choose to see the positives in your relationship and in your partner. You can help bring out the best in your partner by focusing on and reinforcing the positive rather than complaining about what you do not like. The following story perfectly illustrates the power of positive expectations and love:

In 1921, Lewis Lawes became the warden at Sing Sing Prison.   No prison was tougher than Sing Sing during that time.   But when Warden Lawes retired some 20 years later, that prison had become a humanitarian institution.   Those who studied the system said credit for the change belonged to Lawes.   But when he was asked about the transformation, here's what he said, "I owe it all to my wonderful wife, Catherine, who is buried outside the prison walls."

Catherine Lawes was a young mother with three small children when her husband became the warden.   Everybody warned her from the beginning that she should never set foot inside the prison walls, but that didn't stop Catherine!   When the first prison basketball game was held, she went... walking into the gym with her three beautiful kids and she sat in the stands with the inmates.

Her attitude was: "My husband and I are going to take care of these men and I believe they will take care of me!   I don't have to worry!"   She insisted on getting acquainted with them and their records.   She discovered one convicted murderer was blind so she paid him a visit.   Holding his hand in hers she said, "Do you read Braille?"

"What's Braille?" he asked.   Then she taught him how to read.   Years later he would weep in love for her.   Later, Catherine found a deaf-mute in prison.   She went to school to learn how to use sign language.   Many said that Catherine Lawes was the body of Jesus that came alive again in Sing Sing from 1921 to 1937.

Then, she was killed in a car accident.   The next morning Lewis Lawes didn't come to work, so the acting warden took his place.   It seemed almost instantly that the prison knew something was wrong.

The following day, her body was resting in a casket in her home, three-quarters of a mile from the prison.   As the acting warden took his early morning walk, he was shocked to see a large crowd of the toughest, hardest-looking criminals gathered like a herd of animals at the main gate.   He came closer and noted tears of grief and sadness.   He knew how much they loved Catherine.   He turned and faced the men, "All right, men you can go.   Just be sure and check in tonight!"   Then he opened the gate and a parade of criminals walked, without a guard, the three-quarters of a mile to stand in line to pay their final respects to Catherine Lawes.

And every one of them checked back in.   Every one! --- Author Unknown

Ask For What You Want

If you want to improve your communication by over 60% then there is the simple, although not always easy tactic of asking for what you want. It would seem simple to ask for what we want, however it is amazing how many people are reluctant to do so. Some feel they should not have to ask for what they want; that it somehow makes it less romantic or meaningful if they have to ask their partner for what they want. This applies to what kind of movie they want to see as well as to what they enjoy in bed. They feel that their partner should know what they want and should be offering without being asked. Granted it feels really good when your partner gets it right, but most of the time disappointment is the result of the hope they figure it out approach.

Some people either do not know what they want or they do not want to admit what they want. They may not have had a lot of experience with self-awareness or they may be reluctant to express a want since this may set them up for disappointment or make them feel vulnerable. Some may even feel undeserving or that it is not okay to ask for what they want.

Some say that they have asked, repeatedly, to no avail and have given up asking. They feel their partner just tunes them out and does not care about what they want or need. If this is how you are feeling you may want to read “The Art of Being Heard.”

Most people have learned to communicate indirectly in their family of origin. They learn to hint or suggest, rather than ask for what they want. Some have even learned to deceive and manipulate rather than be up front about what they want.

You can choose to be more direct. You can choose to be honest with yourself and with your partner. You can give yourself permission to ask for what you want. When you say what you mean and mean what you say, communication becomes much clearer and miscommunications happen far less frequently.

Shake It Off and Step Up

We can learn a valuable lesson from the following parable. The art of looking for the silver lining can help us keep a balanced perspective and avoid the pity parties of life. Gratitude is a powerful life enhancer. When we can be grateful especially for our challenges and trials, we can avoid becoming bitter and resentful. Feeling and expressing gratitude helps us discover creative solutions to our problems and improve our relationships.

A parable is told of a farmer who owned an old mule. The mule fell into the farmer's well. The farmer heard the mule 'braying' - or - whatever mules do when they fall into wells. After carefully assessing the situation, the farmer sympathized with the mule, but decided that neither the mule nor the well was worth the trouble of saving.

Instead, he called his neighbors together and told them what had happened...and enlisted them to help haul dirt to bury the old mule in the well and put him out of his misery.

Initially, the old mule was hysterical! But as the farmer and his neighbors continued shoveling and the dirt hit his back... a thought struck him. It suddenly dawned on him that every time a shovel load of dirt landed on his back... HE SHOULD SHAKE IT OFF AND STEP UP!

This he did, blow after blow. "Shake it off and step up...shake it off and step up...shake it off and step up!" he repeated to encourage himself.

No matter how painful the blows, or distressing the situation seemed the old mule fought "panic" and just kept right on SHAKING IT OFF AND STEPPING UP!

You're right! It wasn't long before the old mule, battered and exhausted, STEPPED TRIUMPHANTLY OVER THE WALL OF THAT WELL! What seemed like it would bury him, actually blessed him... all because of the manner in which he handled his adversity.

THAT'S LIFE! If we face our problems and respond to them positively, and refuse to give in to panic, bitterness, or self-pity... THE ADVERSITIES THAT COME ALONG TO BURY US USUALLY HAVE WITHIN THEM THE POTENTIAL TO BENEFIT AND BLESS US! Remember that FORGIVENESS-FAITH-PRAYER-PRAISE and HOPE... all are excellent ways to "SHAKE IT OFF AND STEP UP" out of the wells in which we find ourselves!

--- Author Unknown

Don't Avoid Tough Conversations

People often avoid tough conversations as a way to avoid conflict. The problem is that avoiding tough conversations simply lead to more conflict in the long run. You may momentarily avoid the unpleasant, but it will come back to bite you hard.

It is easiest for us to talk about things that happened in the past or that happened to someone else. It can be especially difficult to bring up a problem that has just occurred with the person who, in your view, has caused or contributed to the problem. It is so much more difficult to say Sherry, “I am upset with you right now.” than it is to say, “I was upset with you a few months ago.” It is also so much easier to talk about how either of you is upset with someone else. Hence the reason that many people talk about others rather than talking to them.

Even though it may be difficult, it is important for you to own your feelings and take responsibility for being honest with your partner. If you want to have a meaningful relationships, it is necessary to find your courage and have the tough conversations.

The following are some tips to help you make the most of difficult situations:

1. Remember that avoiding the problem just creates more problems. You are not keeping anyone happy, least of all yourself. 2. Honesty is the best policy. When you are not honest with your partner about what you have done or what you are feeling you create distance between the two of you. Accept responsibility for your part in the problem and for your thoughts and feelings. Avoid blaming. 3. Remember, all feedback is good. Even if you are not happy with your partner, it is better to be gentle and honest. You cannot solve problems that you do not acknowledge. Be willing to listen to your partner's side as well as sharing your own. 4. It is okay to agree to disagree. You do not have to convince your partner that you are right. Share how you feel and allow them to have their own opinions and feelings. You are looking for solutions, not victory. 5. Watch your timing. Trying to have a tough conversation when one or both of you is under time constraints or overtired will likely not end well. Setting up a time that is convenient for both of you will get the best results. 5. 6. Whenever possible have tough conversations in person, definitely not via text.

False Beliefs Harm Relationships

Our beliefs about relationships have a huge impact on the success of our relationships. False beliefs can cause much frustration and disappointment. We need to assess our beliefs and decide if they are constructive or destructive. Sometimes beliefs that seem to be reasonable and even positive can be detrimental because they are false. False beliefs will cause problems in our relationships. If our beliefs are false or destructive we need to change them to more realistic beliefs. Some examples of some potential harmful beliefs and the corresponding realities are given below:

False Belief	Reality
If I love him/her I should give up my interests or friends for him/her	If you lose who you are s/he will lose interest
I should not have to ask what I want, if s/he loved me s/he would know	You are setting yourself up for disappointment if you do not tell him/her what you want
The more I give the more s/he will love me	If you make yourself a doormat, do not be surprised if you are treated like a doormat
S/he needs to change so that I can be happy	You cannot change your partner, but you can choose to be happy
Pointing out his/her mistakes will help him/her want to change	Criticism damages relationships and builds resentment in both of you
I know what is best, my way is the right way	There are many acceptable options
If I am hurt, angry or disappointed I should punish my partner, this will make him/her change	Punishment creates resentment
I need to correct my partner and tell him/her how to do things properly	Constant correcting gives the message s/he is not good enough and causes resentment
Romance and sex decline over time, it is inevitable	Romance and sex do not naturally die out, but failing to stoke the fire can leave things cold
Ignoring problems avoids conflict and means I do not have to deal with them	Ignoring problems eventually create more conflict and poisons the relationship
I stuff my anger away so that I will not hurt him/her	Stuffing anger rather than talking about what is bothering you, will cause you to explode inappropriately

Increase Happiness: Improve Your Relationship

There may be a bit of a chicken an egg dilemma here. Does improving your relationship improve your happiness or does improving your happiness improve your relationship? The answer is yes! Both are true. When you are happier your relationship tends to improve and improving your relationship makes it easier to feel happy. Healthy relationships are key to lasting happiness. Where to begin? The easiest place to begin is to SMILE. Right now, choose to smile, even if you do not feel like smiling. When you choose to smile, your brain starts to take that as a signal that you are happy. Make an effort to smile often, every day and you may notice that you start to feel happier.

Next, express your admiration and affection to your partner. Start trying to catch your partner doing something right. Let them know that you notice and appreciate it. Give your partner at least two genuine compliment a day. When you start to do this, you may notice that your partner starts to smile more too.

Finally, practice gratitude. Every morning when you wake up mentally rehearse as least five things for which you are grateful. Every night just before sleeping focus again on those things for which you are grateful. Remember that happiness does not come from having what we want; it comes from being grateful for what we have.

The happier you are, the more likely you are to have a happy, lasting relationship. The happier you are, the more likely you are to have great friends and family and to feel satisfied with your family and social life. Start now by choosing to smile. Start looking for reasons to be happy and you will begin to find them.

15 Signs of a Healthy Marriage

Healthy marriages bring psychological and physical benefits. Married people have a healthier immune systems* and live longer. How can you tell if your marriage is one that is healthy and health promoting? The more of the following signs your relationship has the healthier it is. If you find that you are lacking in some areas, take that as valuable information that there is something you could work to improve.

Signs of a Healthy Marriage:

Responsibility for Personal Needs. Partner’s recognize that they are ultimately responsible for meeting their own needs and they do their best to help each other meet those needs.

Respectful Communication. Couples have open and honest communication. They communicate daily when possible.

Relationship is a Priority. Couples continue nourishing their relationship. They consistently create time for the two of them.

Realistic Expectations. Couples in healthy relationships see each other as whole people, with strengths and flaws. They love each other in spite of their weaknesses.

Empathy. Partners are willing and able to empathize with each other. They are willing to see things from their partner’s perspective and make what their partner wants and needs as important to them as what they want and need.

Constructive Conflict. Conflict is a part of healthy relationships. In a healthy relationship conflict is dealt with in an open and respectful way, so that it strengthens the relationship rather than ripping it apart.

Intimacy (sexual and non-sexual) Healthy relationships have a level of trust and connection that is satisfying and comforting. There are expressions of tenderness, caring, and concern. Sexual intimacy is always respectful, unique to each couple and takes into consideration the needs and desires of both partners.

Financial Responsibility. Couples share the decision-making about finances and come to an agreement on how they will handle finances that feels good to both partners.

Flexibility. Partners accept that change is unavoidable. They are proactive, flexible and solution oriented.

Sense of Humor. Couples are able to laugh at themselves and to find the humor in situations. Healthy couples use their sense of humor and good will to enjoy life and to deal with the unsolvable differences in their relationship.

Shared Responsibilities. There is a willingness to share responsibilities and work together as a team to accomplish daily tasks as well as working toward their goals.

Alliance of Two Adults. Partner’s see each other as equals and behave as two mature adults, rather than behaving either childishly or domineeringly.

Individuality. Healthy marriages are the union of two whole people to make one great relationship. Each partner has a sense of his or her own identity.

Loyalty and Faithfulness. Consistent effort to build the relationship helps to affair-prove the marriage. If an affair has happened the couple works together to rebuild trust.

Commitment. Couples choose to use their stubbornness to stick together through tough times. When something goes wrong they work together to solve the issues.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.T.C., C.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach
Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course
Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples
Offers a free

Beware of Indifference

Many relationships die a slow and painful death due to neglect. As J. K. Rowlling said, "Indifference and neglect often do much more damage than outright dislike." Ask yourself, “In what ways might I be indifferent in my relationship? Where has apathy crept in? Do you make an effort to connect each day? Do you find ways each day to show and tell your partner that you love him or her; that you are grateful for who they are and what they do? If you find signs of indifference in your relationship, you will need to act fast to counteract the damage:

• Listen with both ears and your heart. Let your partner know that you care about what they think and how they feel.
• Take time for your relationship. Every day say and do something loving for your partner.
• Be careful about special days. Remember and honor birthdays, anniversaries and other days that are special to the two of you.
• Enthusiastically support your partner’s dreams. When something is very important to your partner, it should be important to you, because your partner is important to you.

You damage your relationship when you disregard or ignore your partner or the things that are important to your partner. Your indifference gives your partner the clear message that you do not care about what s/he cares about; it may also send the message that you do not care about him/her.

Do not allow your relationship deteriorate due to neglect. Choose to be generous with your time and your love.

Self-Care Improves Relationships

Eating healthy, exercising regularly and getting enough sleep, surprisingly enough, may improve the quality of your relationship. Taking responsibility to take good care of your self makes it easier to be your best self in your relationship. A healthy diet helps to strengthen your immune system and protect your health. Poor health can decrease your quality of life and put extra stress on your relationship. Eating regular balanced and healthy meals, including lots of fruits and vegetables, helps to keep your energy high. When you feel healthy and energetic, you tend to feel more generous, optimistic and patient, all good for your relationship.

Exercising regularly can improve your mood and increase your libido. Activity improves blood flow, as well as releasing endorphins or feel-good chemicals in the brain. When you are physically fit, you feel more attractive and energetic, again good for your relationship.

Adequate sleep is important for health and a sense of well-being. Sleep deprivation can greatly reduce your enjoyment of life. It can make you snappy and ill tempered and reduce your ability to cope with day-to-day situations. It will reduce your ability to make good decision and to problem solve. Sometimes when life seems overwhelming, a good nights rest can improve your ability to cope.

The better we feel about our self, the more accepting we tend to be of our partner. Choosing a healthy lifestyle may do more than lengthen your life, it may also improve the quality of your relationship and make living longer more enjoyable.

Respect Yourself: Improve Your Relationship

In counseling, we frequently hear concerns expressed about a lack of respect hurting relationships. Many people think that if their partner would just conform and do things the way they want them done, that they would then feel respected. Respect is an important foundation of any healthy relationship. But it begins with self-respect. Ask yourself, Am I easily offended? Do I justify my anger at my partner by thinking things like, if only s/he would change then I could be happy, feel respected, etc? The reality is that the better we feel about our self the less likely we are to be offended and angry at the behavior of others.

It is very empowering and freeing to NOT be dependent on the behavior of others to feel respected or loved. When our self-respect and self-esteem are high we are far less reactive to the behavior of others. When our self-respect and self-esteem are low and someone does something that we see as disrespectful we can feel a loss of control and respond with anger.

In the long run, it is our behavior, not our partner’s that determines how we feel about our self. The more we guard our integrity by making good choices, rather than choices of convenience or appearance, the better we will feel about our self. The better we feel about our self, the less likely we are to over react to our partner’s behavior. When we feel good about our self, we are more likely to be patient, understanding and generous with our partner.

Choices of appearance are those you make to make yourself look good or keep yourself out of trouble. Choices of convenience are based on what feels good in the moment, rather than on what you know is right or good. Whenever we make choices that go against our values, when we do what we believe to be wrong, we hurt our self-respect and self-esteem.

The greater our sense of self-respect, the less we will crave and demand respect from others. The more we are in control of our self, our behavior and feelings; the less we will feel the need to control and manage others.

Compassion Improves Perspective

When you look at the picture below what do you see?Can you see two different possibilities?

How many times when you are talking to your partner do you wish that they could see things from your perspective? Do you wonder why s/he cannot just get what you are trying to tell him/her? It may be interesting to pause and wonder if your partner ever feels that you simply do not get it. How many times does your partner wish that you could see things from their perspective?

The challenge in relationships is to get past self-interest to compassion for one another. Compassion suggests that we not only understand what our partner feels and wants, but that we care about how they feel and what they want. Too often selfishness in relationships leaves one or the other or both feeling unloved and unappreciated.

It is important to put your ego aside and give up having to be right in order to find compassion for your self and your partner.

Here are 7 steps to increasing your compassion for your partner:

1. Think of your partner as once being a precious newborn and having infinite worth. Take some time to really ponder on this idea, until you can feel a warm feeling toward your partner, even if it is only a warm feeling toward them as a lovable infant.

2. Think of your self as one being a precious newborn and accept that you have infinite worth.

3. Focus on positive and happy memories from your past together. Look at pictures of fun times.

4. Each day think of something about your partner that you can be grateful for. Express gratitude to your partner.

5. Remember that your partner is beautiful (handsome) when s/he is happy and fulfilled. Think of your partner as happy and content.

6. Increase your acceptance for yourself and for your partner. Accept responsibility for being compassionate toward your partner.

7. Make your partners feelings and wants as important to you as your own.

Developing compassion for your partner will help you to recognize and feel the love that your partner offers to you.

A Healthy Relationship is FUNCTIONAL

A healthy relationship is functional and gives people a soft place to land. There is mutual respect and acceptance. The following is a list of attributes of a healthy, functional relationship:

F eeling like two whole people

U nwavering commitment to each other and the relationship

N o game playing, saying what you mean and meaning what you say

C ommunication is open, honest and assertive

T ime together and time apart are balanced

I ntimacy without the need for chemicals

O pinions are validated and respected

N urturing individual and couple friendships are encouraged

A ccepting and respectful of differences

L ooking for the best in each other

An unhealthy relationship is dysfunctional and can leave people feeling smothered or neglected or like they are walking on eggshells. The following is a list of attributes of an unhealthy, dysfunctional relationship:

D ependency or feeling incomplete without your partner

Y ou rely on your partner to make you feel happy, safe, beautiful, etc.

S elfishness, manipulation and game playing

F ull of blaming and shaming

U sing chemicals to help achieve a sense of intimacy

N egative focus; focused on what is wrong rather than what is great

C lingy and unable to let go

T oo much time together or too much time apart

I nability to allow the relationship to grow and change

O verly jealous or possessive

N ot able to express what is wanted or needed

A ggressive or passive aggressive approach to problem solving or avoidance thereof

L ack of friendships and healthy relationships with others

Take a few minutes to evaluate your relationship. Does it have more attributes of a functional or dysfunctional relationship. Ask your self, What one thing, that if I did it consistently, would improve the quality of my relationship? Make a commitment to do that one thing consistently for at least thirty days. By then it will have become a habit and you can choose the next one thing you can work on to improve your relationship.