Beware of Indifference

Many relationships die a slow and painful death due to neglect. As J. K. Rowlling said, "Indifference and neglect often do much more damage than outright dislike." Ask yourself, “In what ways might I be indifferent in my relationship? Where has apathy crept in? Do you make an effort to connect each day? Do you find ways each day to show and tell your partner that you love him or her; that you are grateful for who they are and what they do? If you find signs of indifference in your relationship, you will need to act fast to counteract the damage:

• Listen with both ears and your heart. Let your partner know that you care about what they think and how they feel.
• Take time for your relationship. Every day say and do something loving for your partner.
• Be careful about special days. Remember and honor birthdays, anniversaries and other days that are special to the two of you.
• Enthusiastically support your partner’s dreams. When something is very important to your partner, it should be important to you, because your partner is important to you.

You damage your relationship when you disregard or ignore your partner or the things that are important to your partner. Your indifference gives your partner the clear message that you do not care about what s/he cares about; it may also send the message that you do not care about him/her.

Do not allow your relationship deteriorate due to neglect. Choose to be generous with your time and your love.

10 Commandments For A Loving Relationship

Your marriage has the potential to be fulfilling, energizing and loving. Perhaps happily ever after is a fantasy, but strong, loving relationships are not. You can by making positive choices create a relationship worth envying. Here are 10 commandments (tips) for creating a loving relationship:

1. Have fun together. Do things regularly that are fun for both of you. Laugh together often.

2. Listen twice as much as you talk. Get curious and really listen to your partner. Learn about what they like and what is important to them. Feeling understood brings partners closer together.

3. Give appreciation. Say thank you often. Notice the things that your partner does that you like and point them out. This helps you to remember why you love your partner and helps your partner know why you love them.

4. Communicate. Share your thoughts, feelings, fears and dreams with your partner. Be honest and open. Say what you mean and mean what you say.

5. Sacrifice. Making little and big sacrifices for each other greatly increases loving feelings.

6. Be Supportive. Celebrate with your partner. When your partner shares dreams and ideas with you, be excited with them.

7. Smile. Every morning and night look at each other and smile. Smile often at each other. Find reasons to smile with your partner.

8. Take turns. When you find yourselves butting heads about where to eat, what movie to watch, or where to go on vacation. Stop and decide to take turns. Just remember that when it is not your turn, to smile and enjoy yourself. Your turn is coming.

9. Say important things. Say I love you often. Say I am sorry when you have hurt your partner, whether you meant to or not. Other important things to say are: would you please, thank you, what do you think, and I forgive you.

10. Meet your own needs and help meet each other’s needs. The ultimate responsibility for meeting our needs belongs to us. No one can make us feel loved if we are convinced that we are unlovable. At the same time, if you help your partner feel loved, important, secure, and experience excitement or variety, they will feel close and bonded to you.

Following these commandments and encouraging your partner to follow them as well, will increase the loving feelings in your relationship.

Improve Your Relationships By Loving Yourself

It may seem a bit contradictory to say that loving yourself will improve your marriage or relationships. Shouldn’t I be telling you instead to be more loving toward others. For most women caring for and loving others is something they consistently do. There is a prevailing tendency for women to give and give, secretly hoping that some day someone will take care of them. When that doesn’t happen can they become hurt, frustrated and burnt out. In reality, in order to truly love others, you need to love yourself. Unfortunately many women struggle with loving and accepting themselves. If you don’t particularly like yourself, how do you begin to turn that feeling into a healthy self-love?

Be Kind to Yourself

To begin, remember that loving feelings follow loving thoughts and deeds. So watch what you think about yourself. Start replacing put downs with positive and supportive thoughts. Talk to yourself the same way you would talk to a favorite girlfriend—respectfully, kindly and honestly.

Accept that you are wonderful just the way you are. Stop wishing that you were different than you are. Self-acceptance means recognizing that you are unique, special and wonderful just because you are.

If there are changes that you strongly feel you need to make, involving your behavior, not your being, then choose now to be as you want to be. Your actions will follow your firm decision and commitment. You can more easily change your behavior from a position of self-love than you can from a position of self-loathing.

Take time for You

Next, in all their taking care of, mothers and women need to begin with taking care of themselves. If you don’t take time to sharpen the saw, you will eventually grind to a halt. If you are one of those women who has been taking care of others at the expense of yourself, then you may need to do a self-intervention.

You may need to de-stress your life. If you are over committed and overwhelmed; find ways to delegate some responsibilities to others. Also give yourself permission to say no without feeling guilty. If taking on yet another project is going to increase your stress and build resentment, it is better to say, “I am choosing not to take on extra projects right now.” You don’t have to apologize for recognizing your limits.

Make sure you carve out some time for self care in your busy schedule. Make time for things like exercise, meditation and proper nutrition. Make sure that your needs are also included in the budget. Some women continually forgo what they need and want, in order that their children or spouse can have what they need or want. While the willingness to sacrifice for each other is part of a loving family, it is important that there be some balance as well.

Enjoy Life

When was the last time that you did something you enjoyed, just for fun? Make a list of activities that help you feel great, whether it stimulates you intellectually, entertains you or makes you laugh. Make sure that you do something from that list at least once a week. Preferably you should do something that gives you pleasure every day.

When you love and care for yourself you will find that you have a lot more to give to your relationships. Respecting yourself enough to take responsibility for your self-care will have the added bonus of increasing the respect you receive from others. When you love and respect yourself you will find yourself more able to feel the love and respect of others.

Give The Gift Of Love

At the beginning of a relationship, giving the gift of love is easy. You feel attracted to each other and are trying to impress each other and find many ways to show that you care. Then the inevitable happens, boredom sets in or conflict arises, and you realize that you don’t feel quite so loving any more. Perhaps you think you’re not in love any more or maybe never were. At those times when you feel less than loving, choosing to behave in a loving way makes it more likely that you will start to feel loving toward your partner. One key to mature, lasting relationships is the understanding that loving feelings follow loving thoughts and actions.

Many people ruin today by wasting their time wishing for a better past. There is wisdom in the idea that you must give up the dream of having a better past in order to have a better now. Constantly looking backward with regret will make your life miserable. You can “should” yourself or your partner to death, but that will never change the past.

The question is not what went wrong; the question is where do we go from here. Getting stuck arguing about what has already happened keeps you focused on problems. Letting go of blame, either for yourself or for your partner, can allow you to focus instead on finding a way to make things work for both of you. As your relationship matures, choosing to give the gift of love, especially at those times when you do not feel particularly loving, will help to keep the embers of your love glowing.

Open Your Eyes

The wisdom of Benjamin Franklin says, "Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, and half shut afterwards." When this idea is applied to noticing faults it works well. However too many people exist in their marriage in a semi trance state, not really aware of their partner’s thoughts and feeling. Sometimes they are not even aware of their own thoughts and feelings. My advice is to open your eyes in your relationship. I agree with Benjamin Franklin that after marriage you need to worry less about, “Are we compatible” and more about, “How can we make this work.” But my focus here is the importance of eye contact.

Think back to the last couple of interactions that you had with your partner. Were your eyes on your partner's eyes or were they on the newspaper, the television, the mirror, the road or whatever distraction it may be. In the memory do you see their face, their expression, their response? Or is memory more about the message you were giving them.

Focused positive attention is amazingly powerful in any relationship. Eye contact is what helps your partner feel heard, appreciated and cared about. Eye contact encourages your partner to talk and share their thoughts feelings and opinions. Loving eye contact can be one of the most intimate experiences you will share.

If your memories of talking with your partner do not include looking into their eyes, watching their facial expression, and an awareness of their feelings and opinions, then it is time to open your eyes in your relationship.

Lasting Relationship Skills

A lasting relationship is not a matter of luck or even a matter of choosing the "right one." Even the most promising relationships will struggle if the following relationship skills are ignored. Communication Skills

Skilled communication involves first listening to understand and second speaking to be understood. That means listening with both ears. Try to see things from your partners perspective. Communication skills also involve understanding that your partner cannot read your mind, nor can you read his/hers. Share your thoughts and feelings with your partner. Be clear, open, honest, tactful, and respectful.

Loving Skills

It takes skill to learn to show love to your partner in a way that feels loving to him/her. Don't do a Homer Simpson--Homer gives Marge a bowling ball, because he would love to get a bowling ball. Mature love also means behaving lovingly even when you don't feel particularly loving.

Problem Solving Skills

All relationships encounter problems sooner or later. Problems that are ignored or swept under the rug come back to haunt your relationship. Successful problem solving skills will greatly benefit your relationship

Intimacy Skills

Learning how to be intimate in a way that meets both of your conditions for arousal and satisfaction takes practice and skill. Selflessness and an openness to learn can help in developing intimacy skills.

Compromise Skills

Compromise is not a dirty word. Learning to compromise is an important relationship skill. This means finding creative ways for both of your needs to be met, even when you cannot agree on how to solve a problem.

Fair Fighting Skills

Fighting fair is essential in lasting relationships. Dirty fighting leaves emotional scars that may never heal. Since all couples fight, whether you call it disagreement or discussion, it is still important to learn how to do it fairly.

Cooperation Skills

Finding ways to manage a household that involve a fair and equitable sharing of workload is vital. As is finding ways to share parenting responsibilities.

These relationship skills are all interconnected. For example, fighting and lack of cooperation will affect your level of intimacy and a lack of intimacy will increase the friction in your relationship. Improving these relationship skills will improve your chances of creating a lasting relationship.

Effective Problem Solving

Many couples find themselves having the same argument over and over, without ever resolving the issue. Frustrations and resentment builds. To break this pattern, it can be helpful to have a framework to follow. Here are step-by-step suggestions for for more effective problem solving:

1. Get on the same side of the table. Instead of thinking of each other as the problem, think of it as the two of you against the problem. You are a team, not opponents.

2. Choose a good time. Right before bed or when you have to leave for work is not a good time to tackle a problem. When either of you is tired, cranky or preoccupied with something else is also not optimal. Try problem solving when you are calm and have enough time to complete the process.

3. Stick to the problem. It works best to solve one problem at a time. Heaping a bunch of problems on top of the issue at hand is just confusing and frustrating. Generally nothing gets resolved when you try to deal with multiple problems at once.

4. Clarify the problem. Define the problem as clearly as you can from each of your perspectives. Take turns explaining how you see and feel about the problem. Talk when it is your turn. Otherwise listen to understand your partner's perspective.

5. Brainstorm for possible solutions. When brainstorming there is no judgment. All ideas are respected and accepted. Try to come up with several different options.

6. Evaluate possible solutions. Here is where you sort through the ideas. Disregard any solutions that you both agree are completely unrealistic. If one of you likes a solution and the other does not, hang on to it. With each of the remaining solutions consider the following: a) advantages from his perspective b) advantages from her perspective c) disadvantages from his perspective d) disadvantages from her perspective Then each of you rate the desirability of each solution on a scale from 1 - 10, with 1 being undesirable and 10 being highly desirable.

7. Find a Win Win Solution. You can choose from among your solutions. You can get creative and combine or alter solutions until you find sometime that is acceptable to both. If you cannot find an alternative that satisfies both, don't give up. Consider that compromise is not a dirty word. Sometimes an attitude of, "you scratch my back and I'll scratch yours" can help you negotiate something workable.

8. Test Your Solution.Put your plan into action for a set period of time, a week or a month. After trying it out, get back together and evaluate how it worked. If it was successful, pat yourselves on the back and continue. If it was partially successful, you may want to tweak it a bit. If it has not worked, consider that you have learned some valuable information and start over at step one.

Do You Know What You Need?

In any relationship, clearly communicating our expectations, needs and wants, makes it much more likely that those will be met. This means that we need to be clear about what we expect, want and need.What stops people from asking for what they need in their relationships? It could be pride, fear, or a lack of awareness.

If what keeps you from letting our partner know what you want and need is that you do not know yourself what it is that you want or need, it is time to get to know your self. Awareness begins with paying attention to your feelings, paying attention to what you enjoy, what tastes good, smells good and feels good to you. You can begin with food and entertainment preferences and move on to what is it that helps you feel loved, accepted and respected in your relationship.

If it is fear that keeps you from speaking up, you might do well to consider that although asking does mean there is a possibility of hearing, “no;” not asking almost guarantees that you will not get what you need or at least not consistently. If fear is getting in your way then it is time to take a deep breath, face your fear and speak up.

Sometimes it is pride that keeps you from sharing your wants and needs with your partner. You think, “I shouldn’t have to tell him/her, s/he should already know,” or you may choose to withdraw and stop communicating when you feel hurt or upset. Stubbornness can prevent you from getting your needs met. What you choose to do may be moving you farther and farther from what it is that you need, but you may refuse to see it. Consider for example a husband who feels his wife is too busy with school, work or the children to spend enough time with him. He feels hurt and withdraws. Later when his wife says lets go do something, he chooses to reject her offer because he felt rejected and hurt. What he needs is quality time with his wife, but his actions are moving him farther from getting those needs met.

It is important to stop and think about if our actions are getting us closer to what we need and want or farther away. Gratitude and open-mindedness are the antidotes for pride. Stay open to possibilities and look for solutions rather than problems.

Honing Relationship Skills

Skills To Make Good Relationships Better Watching someone, who has perfected a skill, perform is deeply satisfying—the flow, the ease, the beauty. Whether it is dance or singing or playing sports, getting really good at something is fulfilling. This is also true of relationship skills.

When we practice and hone our relationship skills to a level where they flow easily, our relationship can become a beautiful thing. But just like learning other skills, it takes some practice and time before things work smoothly. The first time we try out a new skill things may seem awkward and uncomfortable. For example learning to play the piano takes hours of practice before the hesitant note playing turns into flowing music. Be patient with yourself as you work on developing the following skills:

1. Self-responsibility – you and only you are responsible for your thoughts, words and actions. Learn to accept complete responsibility for yourself. 2. Ability to appreciate differences – learn to accept that your partner is different not wrong. 3. Listen to understand – practice being open minded and open hearted. 4. Hang on to self – learn to sooth your own hurts and disappointments to reduce over reactions. Practice taking a deep breath, counting to ten and finding other ways to calm yourself. 5. Empathy – learn to see things from your partner’s perspective, try imagining what it would feel like to be in their shoes. 6. Supporting – learn ways to support your partner that feel good to them—be there for your partner. 7. Maturity – choose to relate to each other as adults; avoid behaving as either a parent or a child when relating to your partner. 8. Negotiation – think win win, be willing to give up having to be right; choose happiness over winning. If you have to win that means you have to make your partner the loser. 9. Holding your tongue – don’t say the things you will wish you could take back later. Sometimes the old adage if you have nothing nice to say, keep quiet works wonders. 10. Fighting fair – learn to disagree without being disagreeable. Being respectful to each other at all times, good or bad is essential. 11. Stay in the present – practice dealing with what is rather than being stuck in resenting the past or worrying about the future.

Working to improve these relationship skills will help your relationship become a joy to watch as well as a joy to be in.

Beware of Indifference

As human beings we all need to feel important—to feel that we are somebody and that what we do matters. This is especially true in intimate relationships. It meets our needs at a basic level to know that our partner sees us and what we do as important. During a communication exercise in a Marriage Preparation Class that we teach, where couples practice talking through issue, one groom-to-be brought up the issue of feeling that the bride-to-be was not interested in something that he had spent a good deal of time making. He thought she felt it was silly and not worth her time. He wanted her to take time to look at and possibly appreciate things that he had put time and effort into doing.

Robert Gordon Menzies said, “More good things in life are lost by indifference than ever were lost by active hostility.” We may not be putting our partner down, but if we are indifferent to their successes and discount what is important to them, we are giving them the message that they do not matter to us.

Pay attention to the ways that you may be giving your partner the message that he or she is not important to you. Remember that something that is of great importance to your partner should be important to you, simply because it is important to your partner.

Give your partner the gift of your excitement for their accomplishments and successes, whatever they may be. Don't let your relationship dwindle because of indifference.

Power of Thoughts

Power of Thoughts

It is also important to remember that within your relationship everything that you do or say will either help or harm your relationship.

You may think that you can hide your feelings from your partner. However, emotions have unique vibrations and whether we are conscious of it or not we can perceive emotions such as hostility, joy, anger or excitement. What we think and the emotions underlying our thoughts send out a vibration just as speaking does. When we have strong emotions attached to our thoughts our partner will get the message more clearly than if we say the same thing without emotion. We talk about being able to “cut the tension with a knife,” to explain what we feel when we walk into a room full of emotional tension.

If we think our partner is a jerk (or substitute any negative label), we will have two things working against us. First the self-fulfilling prophesy; if we think our partner is a jerk, we will treat them that way and they will act the way we expect them to act. Second the message we are sending to our partner—through our thoughts and feelings, whether we speak up or not, will reach our partner. It should not surprise us when our partner responds negatively. If we really want to build a lasting relationship we will have to replace negative thoughts with more loving and positive thoughts and feelings.

If we stop to consider that with every thought we think, we are either, sending our partner love or something less. If we are sending disdain or contempt to our partner, unless they are extremely mature and respond with unconditional love and acceptance, we will get back what we have tried to hide from them.

We poison our relationship when we begin entertaining negative thoughts about our partner, when we cultivate negative emotions of resentment, anger, or frustration. These negative emotions, no matter how hard we try to bury them, will impact our partner. They will get the message subconsciously—a kind of subliminal message.

Top Ten Sex Do's

Top 10 Sex Do's

Here are a few tips to help you vasty improve the quality of your sex life:

1. At all times be respectful of your partner. Do not pressure and do not cave into pressure to participating in activities that leave either of you feeling used or dirty. What is sexually arousing to one person may be a real turn off to another. Your activities in the bedroom and elsewhere should never require either of you to go against your better judgment or values.

2. Make time for just the two of you. Don't allow work, parenthood or other stresses make you celebate. Let's face it quality time for each other and for lovemaking will not happen without some forethought and commitment. If your relationship is important to you make time for bonding.

3. Be an active Participant Don't simply lay there expecting your partner to turn you on. Making love to a corpse is not a turn on for most people. Get involved and enjoy touching as well as being touched. Take some responsibility for getting yourself excited.

4. Be your best self. Take care of yourself physically and otherwise. Yes your partner should accept you for who you are, but even an old house looks better when it is painted and cared for. Exercise, eat properly, and get enough sleep. A healthy you is a sexy you.

5. Be flexible. Here we are not necessarily talking funky positions, although that may be fun as well. Having too many "rules" such as sex is only allowed on Saturday in the bedroom, in the dark, can make your love life routine and boring. Too many prerequisites for sex can dampen the mood and kill spontaneity. Be willing to experiment and expand your sexual repertoire.

6. Be clean. Questionable or wafting body odor is a huge turn off. Be respectful of your partner, wash before sex. It is also a good idea to shave what needs shaving.

7. Compliment your partner and show appreciation. Criticism in bed is deadly. Nothing kills the mood faster than criticism about body or technique. Offer compliments not criticism. It is important to talk about what you want in bed, but do it in a positive way. Talk about what you want, not what you don't like.

8. Create atmosphere. Distractions and interruptions can ruin the mood. Keeping one eye on the television or answering your phone during sex is a definite no-no. Create some uninterrupted time to enjoy each other. Light some candles, play some music and focus on each other.

9. Flaunt your assets Stop obsessing about hiding your body. Allow your partner to love and accept you as you are. Problems with body image can hamper your love life. Get comfortable with your body, relax, show off and tease a little. Lovemaking should be fun. Allow yourself to enjoy.

10. Pay attention to each other. If you want to have great sex, this starts long before you get to the bedroom or whatever room you wish to make love in. Taking each other for granted or ignoring your relationship is going to have consequences in your love life. It is much more difficult especially for women to get passionate when they feel disconnected from their partner. Pay attention to each other and take time to strengthen your relationship.

The Art of Being Heard

Have you ever found yourself saying, "You don't listen to a thing I say?" Have you ever felt like you were talking to the wall? There are some things that you can do that will improve your partner's willingness to "hear" you:

First, words may not break your bones, but they most certainly can break your heart. Carefully consider the kinds of words you use in your relationship. Have you ever said anything hurtful to your partner? Has your partner ever said anything to you that wounded you to the core?

Avoid Sarcasm

Rude, cutting remarks, sometimes disguised as humor, may pass our lips and land on our partner. Sitcom sarcasm should not be the model for your communication. The origin of the word sarcasm goes back to the Greek phrase, "to cut flesh." The dictionary describes sarcasm as "a sharp and often satirical or ironic utterance designed to cut or give pain." When we use sarcasm, we make it painful for our partner to listen to us.

Humor is a wonderful part of any great relationship. But the humor should never be at the expense of someone's feelings. It is only funny if both of you can laugh and enjoy it.

Be Honest and be Tactful

Sometimes people justify what they have said to their partner by saying, "I was just being honest." The truth is that when you say things to each other that hurt, it is often much less about being honest than it is about being spiteful or insensitive. If you love and care about each other, you will take into account each other's feelings before blurting out a "truth."

Honesty is an essential element in your relationship. Respect your partner enough to be honest with them, but you need to be intelligent and tactful as well as honest. Perhaps when put on the spot with a question like, "Does this make me look fat?" you could answer with something like, "The other outfit is much more flattering."

Use Sugar not Vinegar

Think about how easy it is to listen to critical, judgmental or unkind comments. The famous psychologist, B. F. Skinner demonstrated through experiments that it was easier to train animals by rewarding them for good behavior than by punishing them for bad behavior. Further studies have shown that the same applies to people.

At times partners may repeat the same negative messages so often that their partner learns to simply tune out that particular frequency. They in fact don't "hear it" anymore. We may think that if we point out our partner's mistakes frequently enough that we will motivate them to change. The reality is that complaining is one of the worst ways to motivate your partner to change. In fact what it really does is build resentment and encourage them to tune out.

It is interesting that the answer to the question, how to talk so your partner will listen, starts out with a reminder. You have two ears and one mouth for a good reason. If you want your partner to listen to you, you should listen respectfully and carefully to them. Make sure that you understand what they are saying, before you expect them to listen in that same manner to you.

When you talk to your partner do so respectfully and whenever possible positively. Hearing what we are doing well is so much easier to listen to. Positive comments make much better motivators than negative comments.

Listening: Two Ears/One Mouth

Listening Do's and Don'ts

DO:

Encourage

• Help your partner feel safe in sharing
• Draw your partner out

Be Attentive

• Your body language should say, "I am listening."
• Use short verbal responses to show interest

Clarify

• Ask questions if you are unsure of exactly what your partner means
• Tell them what you are hearing and ask if you are understanding correctly
• "It seems to me that you are feeling ________."
• "Are you saying ________ ?" "Have I understood you correctly?"

Validate

• Acknowledge your partner's feelings
• Validation does not mean that you have to agree, it just means seeing things from their perspective
• "That must have been frustrating."

DON'T:

Advise

• Keep the "why don't you" and "maybe you should" to yourself
• Pay attention to what they are saying rather than thinking of what you should be saying

Assume

• Don't assume you know how your partner is thinking or feeling
• "What's really bothering you is ____."
• "Your insecurities are showing."

Globalize

• Avoid using global terms such as always and never
• Stay specific to what is happening now

Judging

• Avoid, "You are ______," types of statements
• Avoid judging the process by saying things like, "Now we are getting somewhere."

Cheerleading

• Avoid, "Don't worry, everything will be all right." types of statements
• Avoid trying to pacify with statements like, "You did what anyone would do."