Step-by-Step Decision-Making

If you have a plan for how to handle major decisions it may save you a lot of time and anxiety, waffling back and forth unsure of how to proceed. The following guidelines can help you find clarity and avoid conflict: Define the problem or conflict. Write down a question or a statement that accurately represents what you need to decide.

Brainstorm for possible solution. Write down everything. At this point make no judgments about the rightness, wrongness or do-ability of any suggestions. Be creative and bold with your suggestions. Write down all you can think of and then take a short break and add two or three more.

Share your feelings. One at a time, share your feelings about the problem. Remember that feelings are not wrong or right, they just are. Just listen to each other and do your best to hear and understand what your partner is sharing until you both feel heard and understood.

Evaluate possible solutions. Separately evaluate the pros and cons for each of the possible solutions and then share your evaluation with your partner. This process helps to clarify your thoughts and helps you to better understand your partner's perspective.

Wait. If at all possible, allow at least a day before making the final decision. This allows for some space to see how the solutions “sit” with you before committing yourself to a final decision.

Discuss and decide. Each describe what you want to happen and share any concerns you may still have. If you both have chosen the same solution, great. If you have not both chosen the same solution, then discuss possible compromises until you come up with a solution that works for both of you. You can repeat any of the above steps if needed.

Commit.Once you have reach an agreement it is important that you both commit to the solution. Smile and proceed with full effort and work as a team to make the best possible resolution.

Finding Peace

Peace in our relationships begins with us. We can have peace even in the most trying times. We will fail to find peace when we try to achieve it by arranging people or things outside of ourselves. When we have peace and calm in our hearts, when we are at peace with ourselves then we will have the reserves we need to make peace in our relationships. Peace is an inside job.

“There was once a king who offered a prize to the artist who would paint the best picture of peace. Many artists tried. The king looked at all the pictures. But there were only two he really liked, and he had to choose between them.

One picture was of a calm lake. The lake was perfect mirror for peaceful towering mountains all around it. Overhead was a blue sky with fluffy white clouds. All who saw this picture thought that it was a perfect picture of peace.

The other picture had mountains, too. But, these were rugged and bare. Above was an angry sky, from which rain fell and in which lightning played. Down the side of the mountain tumbled a foaming waterfall. This did not look peaceful at all. But, when the king looked closely, he saw behind the waterfall a tiny bush growing in a crack in the rock. In the bush a mother bird had built her nest. There, in the midst of the rush of angry water, sat the mother bird on her nest - - in perfect peace.

Which picture do you think won the prize? The king chose the second one. “because” said the king, “Peace does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble, or hard work. Peace means to be in the midst of all those things and still be calm in you heart.””

Stress Challenges Relationships

Stress narrows our focus of attention often to the exclusion of our partner. If one or both of you are stressed, anxious or completely preoccupied with worries about work or home, you are not able to give caring attention to each other. You may be physically present, but you are not mentally or emotionally present with your partner. Excess stress can make it difficult to focus on simple daily activities, let alone be passionately involved in lovemaking. Sometimes couples are unaware that it is the stress that is creating the feeling of distance between them, and they make things worse by reacting to feeling ignored or left out. They may end up blaming each other and pulling further apart.

Taking a step back can help us gain some perspective and recognize that it is difficult for anyone to feel close when stress levels are high. Recognizing that it is the stress, rather than our partner that is causing the distance in the relationship can help us be more understanding.

When you find yourself clashing with your partner or feeling particularly testy, stop and take an accounting of your stress level and your partner's stress level. What else is going on in your life that may be contributing to your unhappy feelings? Often relationships will struggle when one partner goes back to school or gets a new job or there are financial difficulties. Recognizing that the problem is the increased stress and not the two of you can help you weather the inevitable storms of life. You can learn to be supportive of each other, rather than reactive. When your partner takes something out on you because they are stressed, you will be less likely to take it personally, but will recognize it for what it is—the stress talking.

If your life is full of chronic stress, it may be worth examining your beliefs and attitudes. Do you believe that you deserve a happy relationship and that this is possible for you? Do you want to enjoy your relationship and your life? This may seem like a silly question, however, if you answered yes, then ask yourself, “What am I doing to make this happen?”

Find ways to slow down, step back, and take a time out from the stress in your life.

Improve Your Self-Disclosure Skills

Self-disclosure is a necessary part of getting close to another person. Unless you are willing to share who you are with your partner, you will never be truly intimate with them. In order to be able to open yourself completely to your partner, you need to be able to trust that they will honor and respect you and your secrets. Fear of rejection or punishment can stop partners from sharing and may even create an environment that encourages lying. It is interesting to note that we may inadvertently teach our partner to lie to us by punishing them when they are honest with us. The benefits of self-disclosure are many. Couples who share their thoughts, feelings, experiences, memories, as well as hopes and dreams tend to stay together longer. People who self-disclose, or are open and sharing in appropriate ways, are healthier and less susceptible to illness. Self-disclosure also helps us to learn about ourselves (did I just say that out loud) and to see ourselves more clearly. When your partner graciously accepts what you share you will feel more inclined to share. Self-disclosure helps us gain self-acceptance and makes for closer relationships.

Distancing occurs when couples stop sharing. If a long enough period of time passes without self-disclosure, couples will begin to feel like roommate or strangers.

Self-disclosure may not always be a positive. Ask yourself before sharing something with your partner: What is my motivation for sharing this information? Some positive motives for self-disclosure are wanting to share, express yourself or help your partner understand you. Some negative motives for self-disclosure include wanting to produce guilt or shame, trying to hurt or control your partner.

Self-disclosure is reciprocal. If one of you is sharing and the other is not, an imbalance is created in the relationship. Successful relationship have a give and take; a balance of sharing and receiving. The message your partner is getting, if you are withholding the personal part of yourself, is that you do not trust him/her.

It is important to note that self-disclosure should be a voluntary process. Do not allow your partner to push you into disclosing something that you do not want to disclose. Be assertive and change topics.

To improve your self-disclosure skills try doing the following: 1. Own your opinions. Speak for yourself. Offer your own thoughts, feelings and opinions. 2. Use sense statements. Sense statements describe what we see, hear, touch, taste and smell. 3. Use interpretive statements. Describe what you are thinking, believing and assuming. 4. Use feeling statements. Describe what you are feeling. 5. Use invention statements. Describe your wants, wishes and desires. 6. Use action statements. Describe what you do and how you behave.

Just as any other skill, your ability to self-disclose will improve by doing. Practice sharing with your partner and the sharing will become easier.

Power of Positive Expectations and Love

Amazing things can happen in your relationship and in your life when you treat others with positive expectations and love. Positive expectations encourage people to live up to their potential. Negative expectations discourage and deflate people. Choose to see the positives in your relationship and in your partner. You can help bring out the best in your partner by focusing on and reinforcing the positive rather than complaining about what you do not like. The following story perfectly illustrates the power of positive expectations and love:

In 1921, Lewis Lawes became the warden at Sing Sing Prison.   No prison was tougher than Sing Sing during that time.   But when Warden Lawes retired some 20 years later, that prison had become a humanitarian institution.   Those who studied the system said credit for the change belonged to Lawes.   But when he was asked about the transformation, here's what he said, "I owe it all to my wonderful wife, Catherine, who is buried outside the prison walls."

Catherine Lawes was a young mother with three small children when her husband became the warden.   Everybody warned her from the beginning that she should never set foot inside the prison walls, but that didn't stop Catherine!   When the first prison basketball game was held, she went... walking into the gym with her three beautiful kids and she sat in the stands with the inmates.

Her attitude was: "My husband and I are going to take care of these men and I believe they will take care of me!   I don't have to worry!"   She insisted on getting acquainted with them and their records.   She discovered one convicted murderer was blind so she paid him a visit.   Holding his hand in hers she said, "Do you read Braille?"

"What's Braille?" he asked.   Then she taught him how to read.   Years later he would weep in love for her.   Later, Catherine found a deaf-mute in prison.   She went to school to learn how to use sign language.   Many said that Catherine Lawes was the body of Jesus that came alive again in Sing Sing from 1921 to 1937.

Then, she was killed in a car accident.   The next morning Lewis Lawes didn't come to work, so the acting warden took his place.   It seemed almost instantly that the prison knew something was wrong.

The following day, her body was resting in a casket in her home, three-quarters of a mile from the prison.   As the acting warden took his early morning walk, he was shocked to see a large crowd of the toughest, hardest-looking criminals gathered like a herd of animals at the main gate.   He came closer and noted tears of grief and sadness.   He knew how much they loved Catherine.   He turned and faced the men, "All right, men you can go.   Just be sure and check in tonight!"   Then he opened the gate and a parade of criminals walked, without a guard, the three-quarters of a mile to stand in line to pay their final respects to Catherine Lawes.

And every one of them checked back in.   Every one! --- Author Unknown

Ask For What You Want

If you want to improve your communication by over 60% then there is the simple, although not always easy tactic of asking for what you want. It would seem simple to ask for what we want, however it is amazing how many people are reluctant to do so. Some feel they should not have to ask for what they want; that it somehow makes it less romantic or meaningful if they have to ask their partner for what they want. This applies to what kind of movie they want to see as well as to what they enjoy in bed. They feel that their partner should know what they want and should be offering without being asked. Granted it feels really good when your partner gets it right, but most of the time disappointment is the result of the hope they figure it out approach.

Some people either do not know what they want or they do not want to admit what they want. They may not have had a lot of experience with self-awareness or they may be reluctant to express a want since this may set them up for disappointment or make them feel vulnerable. Some may even feel undeserving or that it is not okay to ask for what they want.

Some say that they have asked, repeatedly, to no avail and have given up asking. They feel their partner just tunes them out and does not care about what they want or need. If this is how you are feeling you may want to read “The Art of Being Heard.”

Most people have learned to communicate indirectly in their family of origin. They learn to hint or suggest, rather than ask for what they want. Some have even learned to deceive and manipulate rather than be up front about what they want.

You can choose to be more direct. You can choose to be honest with yourself and with your partner. You can give yourself permission to ask for what you want. When you say what you mean and mean what you say, communication becomes much clearer and miscommunications happen far less frequently.

Shake It Off and Step Up

We can learn a valuable lesson from the following parable. The art of looking for the silver lining can help us keep a balanced perspective and avoid the pity parties of life. Gratitude is a powerful life enhancer. When we can be grateful especially for our challenges and trials, we can avoid becoming bitter and resentful. Feeling and expressing gratitude helps us discover creative solutions to our problems and improve our relationships.

A parable is told of a farmer who owned an old mule. The mule fell into the farmer's well. The farmer heard the mule 'braying' - or - whatever mules do when they fall into wells. After carefully assessing the situation, the farmer sympathized with the mule, but decided that neither the mule nor the well was worth the trouble of saving.

Instead, he called his neighbors together and told them what had happened...and enlisted them to help haul dirt to bury the old mule in the well and put him out of his misery.

Initially, the old mule was hysterical! But as the farmer and his neighbors continued shoveling and the dirt hit his back... a thought struck him. It suddenly dawned on him that every time a shovel load of dirt landed on his back... HE SHOULD SHAKE IT OFF AND STEP UP!

This he did, blow after blow. "Shake it off and step up...shake it off and step up...shake it off and step up!" he repeated to encourage himself.

No matter how painful the blows, or distressing the situation seemed the old mule fought "panic" and just kept right on SHAKING IT OFF AND STEPPING UP!

You're right! It wasn't long before the old mule, battered and exhausted, STEPPED TRIUMPHANTLY OVER THE WALL OF THAT WELL! What seemed like it would bury him, actually blessed him... all because of the manner in which he handled his adversity.

THAT'S LIFE! If we face our problems and respond to them positively, and refuse to give in to panic, bitterness, or self-pity... THE ADVERSITIES THAT COME ALONG TO BURY US USUALLY HAVE WITHIN THEM THE POTENTIAL TO BENEFIT AND BLESS US! Remember that FORGIVENESS-FAITH-PRAYER-PRAISE and HOPE... all are excellent ways to "SHAKE IT OFF AND STEP UP" out of the wells in which we find ourselves!

--- Author Unknown

Don't Avoid Tough Conversations

People often avoid tough conversations as a way to avoid conflict. The problem is that avoiding tough conversations simply lead to more conflict in the long run. You may momentarily avoid the unpleasant, but it will come back to bite you hard.

It is easiest for us to talk about things that happened in the past or that happened to someone else. It can be especially difficult to bring up a problem that has just occurred with the person who, in your view, has caused or contributed to the problem. It is so much more difficult to say Sherry, “I am upset with you right now.” than it is to say, “I was upset with you a few months ago.” It is also so much easier to talk about how either of you is upset with someone else. Hence the reason that many people talk about others rather than talking to them.

Even though it may be difficult, it is important for you to own your feelings and take responsibility for being honest with your partner. If you want to have a meaningful relationships, it is necessary to find your courage and have the tough conversations.

The following are some tips to help you make the most of difficult situations:

1. Remember that avoiding the problem just creates more problems. You are not keeping anyone happy, least of all yourself. 2. Honesty is the best policy. When you are not honest with your partner about what you have done or what you are feeling you create distance between the two of you. Accept responsibility for your part in the problem and for your thoughts and feelings. Avoid blaming. 3. Remember, all feedback is good. Even if you are not happy with your partner, it is better to be gentle and honest. You cannot solve problems that you do not acknowledge. Be willing to listen to your partner's side as well as sharing your own. 4. It is okay to agree to disagree. You do not have to convince your partner that you are right. Share how you feel and allow them to have their own opinions and feelings. You are looking for solutions, not victory. 5. Watch your timing. Trying to have a tough conversation when one or both of you is under time constraints or overtired will likely not end well. Setting up a time that is convenient for both of you will get the best results. 5. 6. Whenever possible have tough conversations in person, definitely not via text.

False Beliefs Harm Relationships

Our beliefs about relationships have a huge impact on the success of our relationships. False beliefs can cause much frustration and disappointment. We need to assess our beliefs and decide if they are constructive or destructive. Sometimes beliefs that seem to be reasonable and even positive can be detrimental because they are false. False beliefs will cause problems in our relationships. If our beliefs are false or destructive we need to change them to more realistic beliefs. Some examples of some potential harmful beliefs and the corresponding realities are given below:

False Belief	Reality
If I love him/her I should give up my interests or friends for him/her	If you lose who you are s/he will lose interest
I should not have to ask what I want, if s/he loved me s/he would know	You are setting yourself up for disappointment if you do not tell him/her what you want
The more I give the more s/he will love me	If you make yourself a doormat, do not be surprised if you are treated like a doormat
S/he needs to change so that I can be happy	You cannot change your partner, but you can choose to be happy
Pointing out his/her mistakes will help him/her want to change	Criticism damages relationships and builds resentment in both of you
I know what is best, my way is the right way	There are many acceptable options
If I am hurt, angry or disappointed I should punish my partner, this will make him/her change	Punishment creates resentment
I need to correct my partner and tell him/her how to do things properly	Constant correcting gives the message s/he is not good enough and causes resentment
Romance and sex decline over time, it is inevitable	Romance and sex do not naturally die out, but failing to stoke the fire can leave things cold
Ignoring problems avoids conflict and means I do not have to deal with them	Ignoring problems eventually create more conflict and poisons the relationship
I stuff my anger away so that I will not hurt him/her	Stuffing anger rather than talking about what is bothering you, will cause you to explode inappropriately

Increase Happiness: Improve Your Relationship

There may be a bit of a chicken an egg dilemma here. Does improving your relationship improve your happiness or does improving your happiness improve your relationship? The answer is yes! Both are true. When you are happier your relationship tends to improve and improving your relationship makes it easier to feel happy. Healthy relationships are key to lasting happiness. Where to begin? The easiest place to begin is to SMILE. Right now, choose to smile, even if you do not feel like smiling. When you choose to smile, your brain starts to take that as a signal that you are happy. Make an effort to smile often, every day and you may notice that you start to feel happier.

Next, express your admiration and affection to your partner. Start trying to catch your partner doing something right. Let them know that you notice and appreciate it. Give your partner at least two genuine compliment a day. When you start to do this, you may notice that your partner starts to smile more too.

Finally, practice gratitude. Every morning when you wake up mentally rehearse as least five things for which you are grateful. Every night just before sleeping focus again on those things for which you are grateful. Remember that happiness does not come from having what we want; it comes from being grateful for what we have.

The happier you are, the more likely you are to have a happy, lasting relationship. The happier you are, the more likely you are to have great friends and family and to feel satisfied with your family and social life. Start now by choosing to smile. Start looking for reasons to be happy and you will begin to find them.

15 Signs of a Healthy Marriage

Healthy marriages bring psychological and physical benefits. Married people have a healthier immune systems* and live longer. How can you tell if your marriage is one that is healthy and health promoting? The more of the following signs your relationship has the healthier it is. If you find that you are lacking in some areas, take that as valuable information that there is something you could work to improve.

Signs of a Healthy Marriage:

Responsibility for Personal Needs. Partner’s recognize that they are ultimately responsible for meeting their own needs and they do their best to help each other meet those needs.

Respectful Communication. Couples have open and honest communication. They communicate daily when possible.

Relationship is a Priority. Couples continue nourishing their relationship. They consistently create time for the two of them.

Realistic Expectations. Couples in healthy relationships see each other as whole people, with strengths and flaws. They love each other in spite of their weaknesses.

Empathy. Partners are willing and able to empathize with each other. They are willing to see things from their partner’s perspective and make what their partner wants and needs as important to them as what they want and need.

Constructive Conflict. Conflict is a part of healthy relationships. In a healthy relationship conflict is dealt with in an open and respectful way, so that it strengthens the relationship rather than ripping it apart.

Intimacy (sexual and non-sexual) Healthy relationships have a level of trust and connection that is satisfying and comforting. There are expressions of tenderness, caring, and concern. Sexual intimacy is always respectful, unique to each couple and takes into consideration the needs and desires of both partners.

Financial Responsibility. Couples share the decision-making about finances and come to an agreement on how they will handle finances that feels good to both partners.

Flexibility. Partners accept that change is unavoidable. They are proactive, flexible and solution oriented.

Sense of Humor. Couples are able to laugh at themselves and to find the humor in situations. Healthy couples use their sense of humor and good will to enjoy life and to deal with the unsolvable differences in their relationship.

Shared Responsibilities. There is a willingness to share responsibilities and work together as a team to accomplish daily tasks as well as working toward their goals.

Alliance of Two Adults. Partner’s see each other as equals and behave as two mature adults, rather than behaving either childishly or domineeringly.

Individuality. Healthy marriages are the union of two whole people to make one great relationship. Each partner has a sense of his or her own identity.

Loyalty and Faithfulness. Consistent effort to build the relationship helps to affair-prove the marriage. If an affair has happened the couple works together to rebuild trust.

Commitment. Couples choose to use their stubbornness to stick together through tough times. When something goes wrong they work together to solve the issues.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.T.C., C.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach
Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course
Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples
Offers a free

Beware of Indifference

Many relationships die a slow and painful death due to neglect. As J. K. Rowlling said, "Indifference and neglect often do much more damage than outright dislike." Ask yourself, “In what ways might I be indifferent in my relationship? Where has apathy crept in? Do you make an effort to connect each day? Do you find ways each day to show and tell your partner that you love him or her; that you are grateful for who they are and what they do? If you find signs of indifference in your relationship, you will need to act fast to counteract the damage:

• Listen with both ears and your heart. Let your partner know that you care about what they think and how they feel.
• Take time for your relationship. Every day say and do something loving for your partner.
• Be careful about special days. Remember and honor birthdays, anniversaries and other days that are special to the two of you.
• Enthusiastically support your partner’s dreams. When something is very important to your partner, it should be important to you, because your partner is important to you.

You damage your relationship when you disregard or ignore your partner or the things that are important to your partner. Your indifference gives your partner the clear message that you do not care about what s/he cares about; it may also send the message that you do not care about him/her.

Do not allow your relationship deteriorate due to neglect. Choose to be generous with your time and your love.

Self-Care Improves Relationships

Eating healthy, exercising regularly and getting enough sleep, surprisingly enough, may improve the quality of your relationship. Taking responsibility to take good care of your self makes it easier to be your best self in your relationship. A healthy diet helps to strengthen your immune system and protect your health. Poor health can decrease your quality of life and put extra stress on your relationship. Eating regular balanced and healthy meals, including lots of fruits and vegetables, helps to keep your energy high. When you feel healthy and energetic, you tend to feel more generous, optimistic and patient, all good for your relationship.

Exercising regularly can improve your mood and increase your libido. Activity improves blood flow, as well as releasing endorphins or feel-good chemicals in the brain. When you are physically fit, you feel more attractive and energetic, again good for your relationship.

Adequate sleep is important for health and a sense of well-being. Sleep deprivation can greatly reduce your enjoyment of life. It can make you snappy and ill tempered and reduce your ability to cope with day-to-day situations. It will reduce your ability to make good decision and to problem solve. Sometimes when life seems overwhelming, a good nights rest can improve your ability to cope.

The better we feel about our self, the more accepting we tend to be of our partner. Choosing a healthy lifestyle may do more than lengthen your life, it may also improve the quality of your relationship and make living longer more enjoyable.

Respect Yourself: Improve Your Relationship

In counseling, we frequently hear concerns expressed about a lack of respect hurting relationships. Many people think that if their partner would just conform and do things the way they want them done, that they would then feel respected. Respect is an important foundation of any healthy relationship. But it begins with self-respect. Ask yourself, Am I easily offended? Do I justify my anger at my partner by thinking things like, if only s/he would change then I could be happy, feel respected, etc? The reality is that the better we feel about our self the less likely we are to be offended and angry at the behavior of others.

It is very empowering and freeing to NOT be dependent on the behavior of others to feel respected or loved. When our self-respect and self-esteem are high we are far less reactive to the behavior of others. When our self-respect and self-esteem are low and someone does something that we see as disrespectful we can feel a loss of control and respond with anger.

In the long run, it is our behavior, not our partner’s that determines how we feel about our self. The more we guard our integrity by making good choices, rather than choices of convenience or appearance, the better we will feel about our self. The better we feel about our self, the less likely we are to over react to our partner’s behavior. When we feel good about our self, we are more likely to be patient, understanding and generous with our partner.

Choices of appearance are those you make to make yourself look good or keep yourself out of trouble. Choices of convenience are based on what feels good in the moment, rather than on what you know is right or good. Whenever we make choices that go against our values, when we do what we believe to be wrong, we hurt our self-respect and self-esteem.

The greater our sense of self-respect, the less we will crave and demand respect from others. The more we are in control of our self, our behavior and feelings; the less we will feel the need to control and manage others.

Compassion Improves Perspective

When you look at the picture below what do you see?Can you see two different possibilities?

How many times when you are talking to your partner do you wish that they could see things from your perspective? Do you wonder why s/he cannot just get what you are trying to tell him/her? It may be interesting to pause and wonder if your partner ever feels that you simply do not get it. How many times does your partner wish that you could see things from their perspective?

The challenge in relationships is to get past self-interest to compassion for one another. Compassion suggests that we not only understand what our partner feels and wants, but that we care about how they feel and what they want. Too often selfishness in relationships leaves one or the other or both feeling unloved and unappreciated.

It is important to put your ego aside and give up having to be right in order to find compassion for your self and your partner.

Here are 7 steps to increasing your compassion for your partner:

1. Think of your partner as once being a precious newborn and having infinite worth. Take some time to really ponder on this idea, until you can feel a warm feeling toward your partner, even if it is only a warm feeling toward them as a lovable infant.

2. Think of your self as one being a precious newborn and accept that you have infinite worth.

3. Focus on positive and happy memories from your past together. Look at pictures of fun times.

4. Each day think of something about your partner that you can be grateful for. Express gratitude to your partner.

5. Remember that your partner is beautiful (handsome) when s/he is happy and fulfilled. Think of your partner as happy and content.

6. Increase your acceptance for yourself and for your partner. Accept responsibility for being compassionate toward your partner.

7. Make your partners feelings and wants as important to you as your own.

Developing compassion for your partner will help you to recognize and feel the love that your partner offers to you.

A Healthy Relationship is FUNCTIONAL

A healthy relationship is functional and gives people a soft place to land. There is mutual respect and acceptance. The following is a list of attributes of a healthy, functional relationship:

F eeling like two whole people

U nwavering commitment to each other and the relationship

N o game playing, saying what you mean and meaning what you say

C ommunication is open, honest and assertive

T ime together and time apart are balanced

I ntimacy without the need for chemicals

O pinions are validated and respected

N urturing individual and couple friendships are encouraged

A ccepting and respectful of differences

L ooking for the best in each other

An unhealthy relationship is dysfunctional and can leave people feeling smothered or neglected or like they are walking on eggshells. The following is a list of attributes of an unhealthy, dysfunctional relationship:

D ependency or feeling incomplete without your partner

Y ou rely on your partner to make you feel happy, safe, beautiful, etc.

S elfishness, manipulation and game playing

F ull of blaming and shaming

U sing chemicals to help achieve a sense of intimacy

N egative focus; focused on what is wrong rather than what is great

C lingy and unable to let go

T oo much time together or too much time apart

I nability to allow the relationship to grow and change

O verly jealous or possessive

N ot able to express what is wanted or needed

A ggressive or passive aggressive approach to problem solving or avoidance thereof

L ack of friendships and healthy relationships with others

Take a few minutes to evaluate your relationship. Does it have more attributes of a functional or dysfunctional relationship. Ask your self, What one thing, that if I did it consistently, would improve the quality of my relationship? Make a commitment to do that one thing consistently for at least thirty days. By then it will have become a habit and you can choose the next one thing you can work on to improve your relationship.

10 Commandments For A Loving Relationship

Your marriage has the potential to be fulfilling, energizing and loving. Perhaps happily ever after is a fantasy, but strong, loving relationships are not. You can by making positive choices create a relationship worth envying. Here are 10 commandments (tips) for creating a loving relationship:

1. Have fun together. Do things regularly that are fun for both of you. Laugh together often.

2. Listen twice as much as you talk. Get curious and really listen to your partner. Learn about what they like and what is important to them. Feeling understood brings partners closer together.

3. Give appreciation. Say thank you often. Notice the things that your partner does that you like and point them out. This helps you to remember why you love your partner and helps your partner know why you love them.

4. Communicate. Share your thoughts, feelings, fears and dreams with your partner. Be honest and open. Say what you mean and mean what you say.

5. Sacrifice. Making little and big sacrifices for each other greatly increases loving feelings.

6. Be Supportive. Celebrate with your partner. When your partner shares dreams and ideas with you, be excited with them.

7. Smile. Every morning and night look at each other and smile. Smile often at each other. Find reasons to smile with your partner.

8. Take turns. When you find yourselves butting heads about where to eat, what movie to watch, or where to go on vacation. Stop and decide to take turns. Just remember that when it is not your turn, to smile and enjoy yourself. Your turn is coming.

9. Say important things. Say I love you often. Say I am sorry when you have hurt your partner, whether you meant to or not. Other important things to say are: would you please, thank you, what do you think, and I forgive you.

10. Meet your own needs and help meet each other’s needs. The ultimate responsibility for meeting our needs belongs to us. No one can make us feel loved if we are convinced that we are unlovable. At the same time, if you help your partner feel loved, important, secure, and experience excitement or variety, they will feel close and bonded to you.

Following these commandments and encouraging your partner to follow them as well, will increase the loving feelings in your relationship.

Choose Wisely

Life is all about choices. The state of our relationship is the result of the choices that we have made to this point. If we want to change our relationship we may need to learn to chose more wisely. Consider the following story:

Jerry was the kind of guy you love to hate. He was always in a good mood and always had something positive to say. When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply, "If I were any better, I would be twins!" He was a unique manager because he had several waiters who had followed him around from restaurant to restaurant. The reason the waiters followed Jerry was because of his attitude. He was a natural motivator.

If an employee was having a bad day, Jerry was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation. Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up to Jerry and asked him, "I don't get it! You can't be a positive person all of the time. How do you do it?"

Jerry replied, "Each morning I wake up and say to myself, 'Jerry, you have two choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or you can choose to be in a bad mood.' I choose to be in a good mood. Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or I can choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it. Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or I can point out the positive side of life. I choose the positive side of life."

"Yeah, right, it's not that easy," I protested.

"Yes, it is," Jerry said. "Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to situations. You choose how people will affect your mood. You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood. The bottom line: It's your choice how you live life." I reflected on what Jerry said. Soon thereafter, I left the restaurant industry to start my own business. We lost touch, but I often thought about him when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it. Several years later, I heard that Jerry did something you are never supposed to do in a restaurant business: he left the back door open one morning and was held up at gunpoint by three armed robbers. While trying to open the safe, his hand, shaking from nervousness, slipped off the combination. The robbers panicked and shot him. Luckily, Jerry was found relatively quickly and rushed to the local trauma center.

After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, Jerry was released from the hospital with fragments of the bullets still in his body.

I saw Jerry about six months after the accident. When I asked him how he was, he replied, "If I were any better, I'd be twins. Wanna see my scars?" I declined to see his wounds, but did ask him what had gone through his mind as the robbery took place. "The first thing that went through my mind was that I should have locked the back door," Jerry replied. "Then, as I lay on the floor, I remembered that I had two choices: I could choose to live, or I could choose to die. I chose to live."

"Weren't you scared? Did you lose consciousness?" I asked.

Jerry continued, "The paramedics were great. They kept telling me I was going to be fine. But when they wheeled me into the emergency room and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared. In their eyes, I read, 'He's a dead man.' I knew I needed to take action."

"What did you do?" I asked.

"Well, there was a big, burly nurse shouting questions at me," said Jerry. "She asked if I was allergic to anything. 'Yes,' I replied. The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply. I took a deep breath and yelled, 'Bullets!' Over their laughter, I told them, 'I am choosing to live. Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead.'"

Jerry lived thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his amazing attitude. I learned from him that every day we have the choice to live fully. Attitude, after all, is everything.

Take a close look at your relationship. If you are not where you want to be right now, ask yourself, How have my choices brought me to this? Decide right now, this minute, to begin making choices that will take you to where you want to be. Decide to be alive in your relationship. Choose to react with love and acceptance. Choose happiness and peace. Choose to be the best you that you can be.

Improve Your Relationships By Loving Yourself

It may seem a bit contradictory to say that loving yourself will improve your marriage or relationships. Shouldn’t I be telling you instead to be more loving toward others. For most women caring for and loving others is something they consistently do. There is a prevailing tendency for women to give and give, secretly hoping that some day someone will take care of them. When that doesn’t happen can they become hurt, frustrated and burnt out. In reality, in order to truly love others, you need to love yourself. Unfortunately many women struggle with loving and accepting themselves. If you don’t particularly like yourself, how do you begin to turn that feeling into a healthy self-love?

Be Kind to Yourself

To begin, remember that loving feelings follow loving thoughts and deeds. So watch what you think about yourself. Start replacing put downs with positive and supportive thoughts. Talk to yourself the same way you would talk to a favorite girlfriend—respectfully, kindly and honestly.

Accept that you are wonderful just the way you are. Stop wishing that you were different than you are. Self-acceptance means recognizing that you are unique, special and wonderful just because you are.

If there are changes that you strongly feel you need to make, involving your behavior, not your being, then choose now to be as you want to be. Your actions will follow your firm decision and commitment. You can more easily change your behavior from a position of self-love than you can from a position of self-loathing.

Take time for You

Next, in all their taking care of, mothers and women need to begin with taking care of themselves. If you don’t take time to sharpen the saw, you will eventually grind to a halt. If you are one of those women who has been taking care of others at the expense of yourself, then you may need to do a self-intervention.

You may need to de-stress your life. If you are over committed and overwhelmed; find ways to delegate some responsibilities to others. Also give yourself permission to say no without feeling guilty. If taking on yet another project is going to increase your stress and build resentment, it is better to say, “I am choosing not to take on extra projects right now.” You don’t have to apologize for recognizing your limits.

Make sure you carve out some time for self care in your busy schedule. Make time for things like exercise, meditation and proper nutrition. Make sure that your needs are also included in the budget. Some women continually forgo what they need and want, in order that their children or spouse can have what they need or want. While the willingness to sacrifice for each other is part of a loving family, it is important that there be some balance as well.

Enjoy Life

When was the last time that you did something you enjoyed, just for fun? Make a list of activities that help you feel great, whether it stimulates you intellectually, entertains you or makes you laugh. Make sure that you do something from that list at least once a week. Preferably you should do something that gives you pleasure every day.

When you love and care for yourself you will find that you have a lot more to give to your relationships. Respecting yourself enough to take responsibility for your self-care will have the added bonus of increasing the respect you receive from others. When you love and respect yourself you will find yourself more able to feel the love and respect of others.

Make Time To Be A Couple

If you are in a relationship, it is important to make time together a priority. There should be times where you shut off the cell phones, television and other distractions and focus on each other. Make couple time a priority.

In a well-rounded relationship couple time comes in many different forms:

Working together

Sharing household chores can make them seem less burdensome. Doing the dishes together, shopping together, or cleaning a room, if done with a cheerful attitude can be fun. There can even be time for patting your honey on the backside or giving him a hug and letting him know that there is nothing sexier that a man helping.

Playing together

Find something or several somethings that are fun for both of you and make a habit of regularly taking time to have fun together.

Planning together

Whether it is planning for the day, week or your future, doing it together can help strengthen your relationship. Knowing what you want, need and expect from each other can help prevent miscommunication and frustration.

Socializing together

It is possible to socialize together. Remember that little things like touching hands, touching feet under the table, or making eye contact can help you feel connected even in a crowd.

Learning Together

Learning something new together can be another way to connect. Whether it is adventurous like learning to scuba dive, or simply intellectually stimulating, it can give you an opportunity to grow together.

Worshiping Together

If you are of the same faith, this can be attending church together. It can also be as simple as spending time quietly enjoying nature. This can recharge your batteries and help you see things in perspective.

Lovemaking

The ultimate togetherness is lovemaking. There may be times when life is so hectic and busy that you need to schedule time for lovemaking.

Strengthen your relationship by making time for each other.